OMGG

Gary Bettmen, embroiled in his third lockout since being named NHL commissioner in 1993, has shifted his focus towards brokering peace in the Middle East.

“People are calling me ‘the worst negotiator of all-time’,” the 60-year old told OMGG.com. “I bet I’ll prove my doubters wrong when I get the Israelis and Palestinians to stop fighting.”

Sadly, within 12 minutes of Bettman’s arrival in Jerusalem yesterday, gunfire broke out near the Gaza Strip border, breaching a two-day-old cease-fire.

“If you ask me, Gary is doing a fantastic job,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. “He’s the only man in professional sports that makes me look reasonably competent!”

Since he stopped mistreating dogs, Michael Vick’s quarterback skills have dropped off considerably.

“It might be a coincidence, but we’re not taking any chances,” said Eagles head coach Andy Reid. “For the rest of the season, Michael is contractually obligated to electrocute a poodle every Sunday.”

Vick, who spent nearly two years in prison after pleading guilty to running a dog fighting ring, claims puppies aren’t to blame for his poor play.

“Our offensive linemen are the worst in the league,” the 32-year old told OMGG.com. “Eagles management needs to consider having some of them put down.”

Tim Tebow has been underperforming all year, and his biggest fan has finally seen enough.

Just two months into the NFL season, The Lord dropped the pious backup quarterback from his fantasy football roster.

“I tried to justify keeping him, but it didn’t make sense,” explained the Holy Spirit. “Tom Brady is my starter and the Patriots have the same bye week as the Jets.”

God said drafting Tebow in the third round was his second-worst fantasy mistake since signing up for an ESPN account 10 years ago.

“In 2007, I started Sage Rosenfels for half the year,” The Almighty told OMGG.com. “He was actually putting up decent numbers, but I had to get rid of him because I found out he was Jewish!”

Pablo Sandoval hit three home runs in his first three at-bats to lead the San Francisco Giants to an 8-3 win on Wednesday in Game 1 of the World Series.

Team doctor Andrew Brackett said the husky ballplayer was so exhausted he needed to be put on a respirator after the game.

“Pablo’s never been a big fan of exercising,” Brackett told OMGG.com. “Running around the bases three times really took it out of him.”

Moments ago, Sandoval informed the team he’s too tired to start Game 2 tonight, but will consider coming in as a pinch hitter.

“If they decide to use me, I sure as hell won’t be swinging for the fences,” the pudgy third baseman said. “At this point, my body’s one home run away from the 15-day disabled list.”