OMGG

Former Penn State football coach Jerry Sandusky was sentenced to 30 years in prison this morning after being convicted on 45 counts of child sex abuse.

But despite reports, not all of his victims were children.

“Jerry’s constant fondling is what led to my drinking problem,” said Ted, star of the self-titled film available on DVD and Blu-ray December 11. “He used to bring me in the bath with him and use me as a loofah.”

The real-life teddy bear told OMGG.com he eventually decided to undergo a painful surgical procedure to end the abuse.

“I had a friend stitch up the hole underneath my tail,” admitted Ted. “I was getting sick and tired of being a ‘stuffed‘ animal, if you know what I mean.”

After the Americans blew a 10-6 lead in the Ryder Cup over the weekend, Phil Mickelson pumped his fist in the air.

“Death to America!” screamed the 42-year old golfer, who later revealed he’ll be changing his name to Phil-Abbas Mickellah before next year’s U.S. Open.

Friends of the California-born pro, who currently holds the #16 spot in the Official World Golf Rankings, weren’t surprised by Mickelson’s admission.

“He once asked if I’d consider lining my sweater vest with explosives,” Tiger Woods told OMGG.com. “I scoffed at the idea, although I must admit the promise of 72 virgins did tempt me a bit.”

Prince Harry arrived in Afghanistan today for a four-month military mission, but sources tell OMGG.com the deployment wasn’t voluntary.

“Since the boy refuses to wear pants, I had him sent somewhere warm,” Queen Elizabeth II said of her 27-year old grandson. “It reminds me of the time I had to send Charles to Honduras to overcome his masturbation addiction.”

Despite his banishment, insiders tell us the redheaded royal has already been making the best of a bad situation.

“Even in the Taliban heartland, Harry’s not going to stop partying,” said Iranian journalist Azar Bahman. “This afternoon he had to be reprimanded after he was caught skinny dipping with two burka-less beauties in Lake Badakhshan.”

Chuck Norris is begging Americans to step away from their Total Gyms and prepare for the apocalypse.

The black belt-wearing Republican warned fans recently that if Obama is re-elected, there will be “1000 years of darkness.”

The Walker, Texas Ranger star’s premonition didn’t fall on deaf ears, as fellow right-wing celebs have already started moving into Norris’ underground bunker, located just outside of Prairie Village, Kansas.

“It’s a bit cramped because Ted (Nugent) brought all his guitars with him,” Hank Williams, Jr. told OMGG.com. “But I have to admit, it’s been real entertaining watching Clint Eastwood argue with chairs down here.”

When Paul Ryan said he ran a marathon in under three hours, many were skeptical because he couldn’t produce any evidence.

The sexy Representative from Wisconsin now claims that bitter Democrats have been making sure no one learns of his accomplishments, including the gold medal he won in the pole vault at the Beijing Olympics in 2008.

Sadly, when a recent article in Runner’s World exposed the VP nominee, providing proof that he’d only completed one 26.2-mile race (in over 4 hours), Ryan became especially agitated.

“The liberal media has never given me credit,” the 42-year old told OMGG.com. “In fact, the only reason Usain Bolt holds the 200m record is because the timekeeper was an Obama supporter.”