Billy Goat Named New Cubs Manager

The Chicago Cubs fired manager Mike Quade today, and it didn’t take long for new President of Baseball Operations Theo Epstein to find his successor.

“For years, Chicago residents have been blaming our team’s poor play on the curse of the goat,” announced Epstein. “This is why I’ve decided to bring in Billy.”

Epstein is referring to the alleged hex that was placed on the Chicago Cubs in 1945 when a man was asked to leave a World Series game because his pet goat’s odor was bothering fans. The team hasn’t won a championship since.

When told he’d be managed by a farm animal in 2012, starting pitcher Matt Garza seemed relieved. “To be honest, I was afraid they’d hire Ozzie Guillen.”