OMGG

Since he stopped mistreating dogs, Michael Vick’s quarterback skills have dropped off considerably.

“It might be a coincidence, but we’re not taking any chances,” said Eagles head coach Andy Reid. “For the rest of the season, Michael is contractually obligated to electrocute a poodle every Sunday.”

Vick, who spent nearly two years in prison after pleading guilty to running a dog fighting ring, claims puppies aren’t to blame for his poor play.

“Our offensive linemen are the worst in the league,” the 32-year old told OMGG.com. “Eagles management needs to consider having some of them put down.”

According to a CNN report, a significant number of American voters were still undecided as of yesterday.

Early polls indicate that those idiots have bonded together to elect one of their own.

“The tea party, birthers, religious nuts and dimwits were fed up with having educated leaders in the Oval Office,” explained Nancy Fornster, a representative from the Pew Research Center. “So far, thirty-six percent of the country have written-in Sarah Palin’s name on their ballots.”

The former Alaska governor is on pace for 271 electoral votes, enough to secure her the presidency.

“Gee gosh, this hockey mom is so excited to go rogue on the constitution,” the 48-year old told OMGG.com. “According to my handlers, not campaigning this year helped put me over the top!”

Chris Christie is coming under fire for the way he’s choosing to allocate federal funds in the wake of Hurricane Sandy.

Despite millions in his state without power or gas, the New Jersey governor has made the rebuilding of area bakeries and pizza shops his top priority.

Christie encouraged Garden State residents to remain vigilant, assuring them he knows they’re struggling.

“The cleanup effort will take much longer if I’m hungry,” explained the 50-year old Republican . “Once the Federal Emergency Management Agency can get these eateries up and running, I’ll be turning my full attention to individuals in need.”