OMGG

Chuck Norris is begging Americans to step away from their Total Gyms and prepare for the apocalypse.

The black belt-wearing Republican warned fans recently that if Obama is re-elected, there will be “1000 years of darkness.”

The Walker, Texas Ranger star’s premonition didn’t fall on deaf ears, as fellow right-wing celebs have already started moving into Norris’ underground bunker, located just outside of Prairie Village, Kansas.

“It’s a bit cramped because Ted (Nugent) brought all his guitars with him,” Hank Williams, Jr. told OMGG.com. “But I have to admit, it’s been real entertaining watching Clint Eastwood argue with chairs down here.”

When Paul Ryan said he ran a marathon in under three hours, many were skeptical because he couldn’t produce any evidence.

The sexy Representative from Wisconsin now claims that bitter Democrats have been making sure no one learns of his accomplishments, including the gold medal he won in the pole vault at the Beijing Olympics in 2008.

Sadly, when a recent article in Runner’s World exposed the VP nominee, providing proof that he’d only completed one 26.2-mile race (in over 4 hours), Ryan became especially agitated.

“The liberal media has never given me credit,” the 42-year old told OMGG.com. “In fact, the only reason Usain Bolt holds the 200m record is because the timekeeper was an Obama supporter.”

After getting mocked for his performance at the Republican National Convention, Clint Eastwood has changed his party affiliation.

“When I spoke to that chair last night, I realized something,” the senile 82-year old told OMGG.com. “That piece of furniture is far more qualified to be president than Mitt Romney.”

The chair, which was meant to be representative of an invisible Barack Obama, has actually helped invigorate the president’s campaign.

“Tomorrow night, George Clooney is hosting a $10,000-a-plate fundraiser for that wooden seat,” announced MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow. “Sadly, a new poll shows that chair is 70% more popular than Joe Biden.”

Perhaps Clint Eastwood isn’t senile after all.

Many were wondering why the 82-year old addressed an empty chair as Barack Obama at the Republican National Convention, but OMGG.com has learned that the president had been sitting in the seat moment earlier.

“During the commercial break, Obama realized he was at the wrong convention,” explained Ann Romney. “So during Mr. Eastwood’s speech, he ducked behind the podium.”

With Tropical Storm Isaac threatening the GOP Convention in Tampa, bloated radio host Rush Limbaugh accused the Obama administration of tampering with weather forecasts to hurt the Republican party.

“Obama is intent on destroying this country with his liberal witchcraft,” said the political commentator. “He’s even brainwashed conservatives into nominating a dimwitted Mormon for office!”

The 61-year old claims it’s obvious that the president has put a hex on him, as well.

“How else could you explain my well-publicized painkiller addiction and four failed marriages?” Limbaugh asked OMGG.com. “And we all know my body wouldn’t be so hideous if Obama hadn’t cursed me with a faulty metabolism.”