OMGG

On Monday morning, bloated real estate mogul Donald Trump told Fox & Friends that he’d be making a big announcement about President Obama today.

OMGG.com hackers broke into the 66-year old’s email account moments ago, and discovered what the Queen of Mean King of Douchebaggery had up his monogrammed sleeve.

Trump, who doesn’t believe Obama was a good student, will be offering $5 million to the president in exchange for copies of his university transcripts.

Shockingly, he isn’t requesting anything from Mitt Romney.

“Mitt doesn’t need the money like Barack,” the billionaire told OMGG.com. “Besides, it’s pretty safe to say he’s well-educated by looking at how white he is.”

Most polls show that Obama handily won the second and third presidential debates, and currently has the edge in key swing states Ohio and Florida.

Hoping to turn things around, Republican candidate Mitt Romney made a desperate plea to the American people this morning.

“Every voter who picks me gets a boat,” he announced as he pointed towards attendees at a rally in Duluth, Minnesota. “You get a boat. You get a boat. You get a boat.”

With the election just weeks away, analysts are worried the “Oprah” strategy will bankrupt the former Massachusetts governor.

Not true, says Romney.

“There’s a reason I refused to release those tax returns,” the 65-year old told OMGG.com. “This giveaway will barely put a dent in my offshore Cayman accounts.”

During this week’s presidential debate, Mitt Romney said that while governor of Massachusetts he was brought “binders full of women” to hire as potential cabinet members.

However, OMGG.com fact-checkers discovered today that those binders were actually used to find Tagg Romney a second wife.

Tagg, easily the creepiest of Romney’s five sons, says none of the books produced anyone that met his criteria.

“I’d like to punch whoever was responsible for putting those binders together for my dad,” the angry Mormon told OMGG.com. “They were full of women my family doesn’t associate with, like liberals, minorities and the poor.”

According to most non-Fox News polls, Joe Biden was the clear winner in Thursday’s Vice Presidential debate.

“I felt bad beating up on that little boy,” Joe Biden told OMGG.com. “But after Barack got smacked around last week, I knew I had to get the undecideds back on our side.”

Moderator Martha Raddatz says she wasn’t surprised the 69-year old laughed, scoffed and interrupted Ryan during the debate, but was disappointed in his behavior after the cameras were off.

“He berated Mr. Ryan for being a ‘very bad boy’,” Raddatz said. “Then he draped the young Republican over his knee and started spanking him until he cried.”

After holding his own in the first debate against President Obama, Mitt Romney is getting cocky.

“At this point, I can’t imagine a scenario in which I’ll lose,” the former governor of Massachusetts told OMGG.com. “On October 16th, I could take a dump on the podium and still win over undecided voters.”

The 65-year old is so confident, he announced plans to attend the Hofstra University town hall without pants on.

“He’s brash, ignorant and his policies set women back 50 years,” said MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow. “That being said, he’s earned my vote with overwhelming sex appeal.”