OMGG

The St. Louis Cardinals won’t be underdogs when they take on the Texas Rangers in Game 1 of the World Series Wednesday night, thanks to a new addition to their starting lineup.

“We’ve replaced (ailing leftfielder) Matt Holliday with the Rally Squirrel,” announced Cardinals manager Tony La Russa.

Rally Squirrel has been a good luck charm for the St. Louis Cardinals all postseason long, and currently has the top-selling jersey in St. Louis.

“It gives us more speed on the basepaths,” first baseman Albert Pujols told OMGG.com. “That little rat has earned this opportunity, and I’m proud to call him a teammate.”

NBA commissioner David Stern canceled the first two weeks of the 2011-12 regular season last night, and no one was more relieved than the Detroit Pistons and their fans.

“We’re keeping our fingers crossed that he axes the remaining games soon,” Pistons guard Rip Hamilton told OMGG.com. “Motown needs this.”

Once the capital of the U.S. auto industry, Detroit has been crippled by factory shutdowns, falling home prices, the exodus of tens of thousands of residents and an unemployment rate near 20%.

With the Tigers in the MLB playoffs and the Lions off to their hottest start since 1956, sports teams are finally giving Motor City residents a reason to smile.

“Please commissioner, do the right thing and cancel 2011-12,” season ticket holder Dennis Meyer wrote in his blog. “The people of Detroit are counting on you!”

Former WWE Champion Brock Lesnar signed a contract yesterday to return to wrestling. The 6’4″, 275 pound behemoth had retired in 2004, but quickly realized he had no other skills.

The big man tried his hand at farming, bartending and even spent the summer of ’09 as a member of the Best Buy Geek Squad. “I ended up smashing more computers than I fixed.” Lesnar recalls.

Randy Couture, Brock’s close friend who retired from fighting in 2008 to teach high school calculus, says he feels for the big oaf.

“Last night we cracked open a bottle of merlot and he just started crying,” said the former UFC champ.  “It’s tough when you come to the realization that you have nothing to contribute to society.”

After having a hot dog thrown at him over the weekend, Tiger Woods is rumored to be considering retirement.

“Tiger hasn’t been able to sleep since the incident,” said Eugene Beckles, Woods’ caddie. “It was especially traumatizing because he’s a vegetarian.”

Woods, who has lost nearly all of his endorsements since being caught cheating on his wife and is no longer in the Top 100 according to the latest World Golf Rankings, says this weekend’s loss and talk of retirement can be blamed solely on the hot dog toss, not his diminishing golf skills.

“I have very high blood pressure,” Woods told OMGG.com. “Had that wiener landed in my mouth, it could’ve killed me.”

It has come to our attention that three generations of Green Bay Packers quarterbacks posed nude for this year’s ESPN the Magazine Body Issue, but editors opted not to publish the photo.

“The guys weren’t in great shape like we hoped they’d be,” confessed renowned sports photographer Jennifer Korff. “Favre and Starr are retired, but Aaron Rodgers had no excuse looking like that with his shirt off.”

While the photo wasn’t flattering, the three Super Bowl winning QBs said it was liberating to pose naked together.

“It was a real honor standing beside Brett Favre’s penis,” admitted Rodgers. “It’s kind of a celebrity ever since he sexted pics of it to that Jets cheerleader.”