OMGG

Barry Bonds avoided jail time today, as a judge ordered the former baseball star to 30 days of house arrest, two years of probation and 250 hours of community service for being convicted for giving misleading testimony before a grand jury.

The confident athlete, whose neck grew an astounding 7” in diameter during the 2005 season, still insists he never lied. He says his body fat dropping to 4% and his testicles shrinking in size by 75% that year were simply “signs of aging.”

While many have doubted Bonds’ claims that syringes found in his locker “must’ve been left there by some diabetic dude,” the future Hall-of-Famer told us there are other ways to improve your body without the help of performance enhancing drugs.

So how exactly did Bonds gain 83 pounds of muscle in 2001?

“Pilates,” the slugger told OMGG.com.

He runs a 4.7 40-yard dash. While at the University of Florida, he broke the SEC record for most rushing touchdowns by a player at any position. He’s the first quarterback in NFL history to run for a touchdown in each of his first three career starts. He’s been labeled a “rushing quarterback” since he set foot on the field nearly 10 years ago. Now, he’ll have no choice but to run.

Following the Broncos’ latest come-from-behind miracle win, Tim Tebow had both of his arms surgically removed.

The lefty quarterback, apparently tired of his league-low passer rating and inability to complete a wide-open, four-yard pass, hopes this will finally silence his critics.

“Let’s be honest, it won’t affect the outcome of any game I play in,” the quarterback explained to OMGG.com. “The only arms I need to win are the ones God embraces me with.”

Is the biggest thug in the NBA running the front office?

Last week, NBA Commissioner David Stern vetoed a trade that would’ve sent New Orleans Hornets guard Chris Paul to the Los Angeles Lakers. Now, rumors are circulating that potential offers for superstar center Dwight Howard must be approved in advance by the 69-year old.

Many feel that Stern, who recently had the chair in his New York City office replaced with a ruby-studded throne, is letting power go to his head.

“Absurd. I only nixed the Chris Paul trade because I’m a Khloe Kardashian fan like the rest of America,” insisted King Stern. “If I had allowed Lamar (Odom) to get dealt to New Orleans, his wife’s reality show may have been canceled.”

Tim Tebow is not only the most valuable player in the NFL right now, experts believe he’s arguably the greatest quarterback to ever play the game.

“I wish I had his arm strength when I played,” admitted Dan Marino. “God has truly blessed that boy.”

This morning, the NFL Hall of Fame’s 44-person ‘Board of Selectors’ waived the prerequisite that a player be retired at least five years for entry and unanimously voted in the gunslinger.

“It’s long overdue,” said Broncos Executive VP and fellow Hall of Famer John Elway. “There are only three things that are guaranteed in life — death, taxes and Tebow.”

Fans couldn’t believe it when superstar free agent Albert Pujols scoffed at the Miami Marlins’ $220 million contract offer.

Looks like The Machine knew what he was doing all along.

“My agent told me if I wanted to make the big bucks, I’d have to go to the Yankees,” explained the three-time MVP, who will suit up in pinstripes over the next 10 years for a reported $1.1 billion. “We didn’t even have to negotiate, that was their opening offer.”

OMGG.com has learned that to help make Pujols’ transition to the American League easier, New York Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman has also agreed to sign the rest of the St. Louis Cardinals team to a two-year deal.