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Last night, McDonald’s executives revealed that just days after achieving their initiative to hire 50,000 new employees, the company will be handing out pink slips to twice that number this week.

Robert Zazzali, who was hired July 28th, was disappointed to learn tomorrow will be his last day working the fry station. “My girlfriend was finally getting off my case about being unemployed,” said the recent Georgetown grad.

“I don’t understand why people are so surprised by the layoffs,” said Ben Puddle, the fast food chain’s McCEO. “The economy is in terrible shape.”

While many call the cuts unfair, the Golden Arches is receiving high praise from a surprising source — the White House.

“I’d like to express my gratitude to McDonald’s for stimulating the economy for almost a week,” said an exuberant President Barack Obama. “I hope Americans remember the boost in jobs I temporarily created when they enter the voting booth next November.”

Lady Gaga recently announced at a press conference that she‘d never go under the knife because plastic surgery “promotes insecurity.”

“That’s too bad,” said super-fan Brent Conrad. “I mean, no offense, but she’s one of those celebrities who could really benefit from having work done.”

Gaga, long considered a “butterface” by her minuscule group of straight male followers, is adamant that she’s fine just the way she is.

The pop star said her message to young women couldn’t be any clearer: “If you want to attract men, there’s no need to alter your body,” she proclaimed. “Just dress like a whore and you’ll do fine.”

Crystal Harris recently told Howard Stern that her ex-fiancée Hugh Hefner only lasts two seconds in bed.

“She just said that because she doesn’t want me to move on,“ insists the senile 84-year-old.  “When we were together, she’d always do the cutest things, like call me ‘sugar tush’ and repeatedly ask for the combination to my floor safe.”

Hef allegedly wants Crystal back, but his friends are begging him to cut ties with the 25-year old former-Playmate.

Harris, whose Centerfold Bio listed Anna Nicole Smith and the Menendez Brothers amongst her heroes, says maybe she will give the Playboy founder another shot.

“After all, marriage is really only ‘til death do you part, right?” asked a winking Harris.