OMGG

Jersey Shore cast member Nicole Polizzi, famous for her Quasimodo-like physique, says the joke has been on us all along.

“I’ve been wearing a fat suit!” reveals the 23-year-old better known as Snooki.  “MTV executives thought I’d be more marketable if I looked like a troll.”

Snooki’s sister, Lacey Polizzi, says she hardly recognizes her sibling on the tube. “She couldn’t be more different in real life.  She’s so thin and attractive!”

Playing the role of “fat dog” has turned the reality star into a “fat cat.”  Snooki reportedly earns $30,000 per episode and made over $2 million in appearance fees last year.

A satellite that once confirmed the existence of a hole in the ozone layer will make a fiery descent back to earth today, and NASA’s website says there’s a good chance it will destroy you.

For the first time since Skylab crash-landed in Australia back in 1979, NASA has put the odds of someone being struck by a falling piece of the spacecraft at greater than 1:3200.

“This could’ve been avoided if NASA would just get their sh*t together,” said an angry President Obama. “This is their second monumental miscalculation in the last few months.”

The other incident took place in June, when the space shuttle Atlantis returned to earth for the final time, accidentally leaving mission specialist Rex Walheim on the moon.

Dan Phelan, a 33-year old carpenter from Arkansas, is still getting ragged on by his buddies after admitting he thought Chelsea Clinton looked “sort of sexy” interviewing her mom at the Clinton Global Initiative’s annual meeting last night.

“He claims he was drunk,” says Phelan’s roommate Dennis. “But he’d only had like a beer or two at the time he said it.”

Clinton, famous for her doughy complexion, wiry red hair and rabbit-like teeth, is by all accounts better-looking now than during her awkward teenage years. But sexy?

“She’s got a great body and seems smart like her ma,” insists Phelan. “To tell y’all the truth, there are times she gives me a real presidential boner.”