OMGG

According to the O’Reilly Factor’s “No Spin Zone,” the debt ceiling wouldn’t have to be raised if President Obama weren’t living so high on the hog.

“Liberal loons like to pretend that our country is facing an economic crisis because of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, or tax cuts for the rich,” said O’Reilly. “Yet somehow Obama continues to collect his $400,000 annual salary and fly around on his private jet like some sort of big shot.”

According to tax returns, O’Reilly made over $20 million in 2010 as a political pundit and author, but John Boehner says that’s beside the point.

“Obama makes 10 times the amount of a school teacher in Wisconsin for Christ’s sake!” balked the Speaker of the House.  “And have you seen the size of his house?”

IBM Supercomputer Watson, famous for winning $1 million on Jeopardy! back in February, was arrested last night for driving drunk in East Los Angeles.

Watson, the toast of Tinseltown after defeating former trivia champions Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter, has checked itself into rehab.

“I need help,” admitted the artificial intelligence computer, which came under fire last week for calling Star Wars droid C-3PO a “skinny little bitch” at Comic-Con in San Diego.

IBM engineer Sunil Chaudhari, credited with developing the brilliant machine, says it seems as though his creation has let fame go to its head.

“I knew that thing had issues,” said Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek in a statement released by his PR firm. “During filming it threatened to destroy all mankind if I didn’t grow back my mustache.”

After a record heatwave hit the East Coast last week, Al Gore announced today that maybe global warming isn’t such a bad thing after all.

“I’ve given it a lot of thought,” said the star of An Inconvenient Truth. “I’m cool with a couple melting glaciers if it means I’m going to have a badass tan this summer.”

The news was both shocking and devastating to environmentalists everywhere.

OMdoubleG caught up with the former vice president outside the Sierra Club’s headquarters in San Francisco, where he was clearing out his office.

“I know this will piss off some hippies,” said the 63-year old, “but I also think recycling is kind of lame.”

Well, they gave it a shot.

This afternoon, homosexuals marched on Capitol Hill en masse to protest a bill that legalized gay marriage in New York just one month ago.

“Everyone makes mistakes,” explained Brooklyn-born Stuart Tang. “After marrying my partner Daniel this weekend, he’s already put on weight and has begun leaving the toilet seat up.”

New Yorkers aren’t the only ones unhappy.

Gay Californians have expressed their desire to pass Prop 9 in the November elections, which proposes a ban on “opposite marriage.”

David Blaine announced that in May 2012 he’ll debut a brand new street magic show. The illusionist says his greatest feat will be convincing people to care.

Blaine was last heard from in 2008, when he promised to hang by his ankles above Central Park for 60 hours. He was widely criticized when, only hours into the endurance challenge, he was seen standing on a crane platform.

The magician insists he’s willing to do whatever it takes to win back the general public, even if it means hypnotizing them.

“My favorite Blaine stunt by far was when he made himself disappear for a few years,” said Megan Kneipp, a law student from Midland, Texas. “Why’d he have to come back?”