Coming into this season, the Pittsburgh Pirates have finished with a losing record for 18 consecutive years, the longest streak in MLB history. Well it’s late July, and the team is currently in first place in the NL Central.
“We aren’t doing anything different,” insisted starting first baseman Lyle Overbay, who’s batting a paltry .233. “We have no clue why we’re winning right now…it’s a total fluke.”
Statistics seem to back up Overbay’s claims. The Pirates have scored the fewest runs in their entire division, and as of today, don’t have a single player batting over .281.
So why are they currently six games above .500?
“Don’t tell them we told you, but we’re letting them win,” explained Cincinnati Reds pitcher Edinson Volquez. “They’ve become such a joke that all the National League teams got together and decided to give them a morality boost.”
Unfortunately, the Pirates hit the road to face the Atlanta Braves and Philadelphia Phillies this week, two teams who can easily beat them without trying at all.
“We’ll do everything in our power to lose,” assured the Pirates’ starting third baseman, Pedro Alvarez, whose .208 batting average is among the worst in the league. “But the way the season has been going so far, I can’t make any promises.”
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Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant shocked reporters when he arrived at a charity event this afternoon wearing nothing but a pair of leather boy shorts.
ESPN reporter Mitch Fedders believes it’s a ploy by Kobe to win back the gay and lesbian fans he insulted when he used a homophobic slur during a game against the San Antonio Spurs last season.
The shooting guard, already ostracized for his prior mistakes (e.g., contract disputes and rape) seems to be going out of his way to prove he isn’t a homophobe.
“This morning he asked me if I thought Pau (Gasol) was cute,” said teammate Ron Artest. “It’s becoming painfully obvious he’s willing to go to great lengths to prove to the world he’s gay-friendly.”
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The NFL Lockout not only means the upcoming season is in jeopardy, but so are the players’ bloated salaries. Peyton Manning, who admits he’s been living paycheck-to-paycheck after a series of bad investments, isn’t panicking but calls the whole experience ‘humbling.’
“I’ve always been good at working on cars, so I filled out an application at Jiffy Lube this morning,” said the future Hall of Famer. “Eli (Manning) has been delivering pizzas since March, so I know he’s hoping this doesn’t drag on.”
The Mannings aren’t the only football stars struggling.
“I’ve had to make some serious cutbacks,” admitted Jaguars running back Maurice Jones-Drew. “We no longer have cable TV at my house and I carpool to the gym with my neighbor every morning to save on gas.”
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, who was forced to sell his TV on Craigslist to help pay his mortgage, says he’s going to do everything in his power to ensure there’s a 2011 season.
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Every so often something so astoundingly rare occurs, that the public is left feeling baffled and in awe.
Such an event took place Thursday when it was announced that Kevin Love took home the 2011 NBA Most Improved Player Award.
“I’m dumbfounded,” admitted ESPN basketball analyst Harry Malone. “There had to be someone more deserving…right?”
Love, who averaged over 20 points and 15 rebounds this season, said he’s proud to take home the award and hopes his magical season “opens doors for other white athletes one day.”
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Kelly Gneiting, a 400-lb U.S. sumo champion, somehow completed the Los Angeles Marathon this weekend.
The fatty crossed the finish line in just under 10 hours and set the Guinness World Record for being the heaviest person to finish the 26.2-mile race.
At the post-race interview, Gneiting told reporters, “I feel great. Now somebody get me some f#cking bacon.”
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July 26, 2011
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