OMGG

Rush Limbaugh, a longtime opponent of government-funded birth control, has finally put his money where his mouth is and helped unveil America’s first abstinence plan that may actually work.

“Rush and I have decided to put partisan politics aside to help save U.S. taxpayers some money,” President Obama proudly announced this afternoon. “On Friday, we will begin to roll out the ‘Limp as Limbaugh’ campaign.”

At high schools and colleges across the country, headshots of the radio host will be distributed to young men and women in an attempt to keep their hormones in check.

Limbaugh, who came under fire for calling birth control advocate Sandra Fluke a “slut” last week, says the program will not only save millions of dollars on subsidized contraceptives, but undoubtedly lead to a decrease in premarital sex and teenage pregnancy.

“This plan already has a proven track record,” the outspoken conservative explained to OMGG.com. “Women tell me all the time that the mere sight of my face has extinguished all of their sexual desires.”

Barack Obama announced today that he will not seek re-election.

“Like many Americans, I’ve always wanted to be a rock star,” the president told OMGG.com. “An opportunity presented itself recently, and it may be my last chance to pursue this dream.”

Obama, a talented singer in his own right, said that when his current term ends he’ll join the Jonas Brothers on tour, filling the void Joe left when he decided to pursue a solo career.

“My daughters and I couldn’t be more excited about this,” gushed the president. “We’ve been Jonas fans since the Camp Rock days.”

With the average price for gas surpassing $4 a gallon over the weekend, Americans were in desperate need of good news, and at 8:15am some was finally delivered. According to President Barack Obama, Osama bin Laden is still dead.

“This is a great day for America,” exclaimed travel agent Melissa Farrar, who is taking the week off to celebrate.

In a statement to reporters, Obama once again thanked the servicemen for their hard work, and said he hopes the news will “make us forget about this whole ‘higher gas prices during an economic collapse’ thing.”

While the president’s approval rating has surged, Donald Trump warned Fox News’ Sean Hannity that bin Laden’s death certificate may very well be a fake.

Scientists agree that Newt Gingrich’s plan to colonize the moon wouldn’t work because of gravitational issues and the lack of a magnetic field to shield against the harmful effects of cosmic rays.

But today, the GOP candidate’s plan was endorsed by an unlikely source — former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin.

The dimwitted Alaskan explained, “Talk of cosmic rays and gravity are just two examples of ‘science propaganda’ created by the liberal media.”

Newt agreed with Palin, taking her assessment a step further.

“I have a hard time imagining an invisible force pulling me down to the earth’s surface,” he said. “It’s safe to say that my obesity, not gravity, is what’s keeping me from floating around.”

Political pundits are saying Rick Santorum is making a grave error by looking past Oklahoma’s March 6 Republican primary.

Coming off a three-state sweep on Tuesday evening, the overconfident GOP candidate feels it’s “unnecessary” to campaign in the Sooner State, electing instead to start moving his belongings into the White House this morning.

“My husband’s presidency is inevitable,” explained Karen Santorum, “so we swung by our new home to drop off some bath towels and our lucky stack of bibles.”

Unfortunately, the conservative and his family were met at the gate by Secret Service.

“Obama’s goons wouldn’t even let me bring my desktop into the Oval Office,” an angry Santorum told OMGG.com. “Just another prime example of socialism.”