OMGG

Last night, McDonald’s executives revealed that just days after achieving their initiative to hire 50,000 new employees, the company will be handing out pink slips to twice that number this week.

Robert Zazzali, who was hired July 28th, was disappointed to learn tomorrow will be his last day working the fry station. “My girlfriend was finally getting off my case about being unemployed,” said the recent Georgetown grad.

“I don’t understand why people are so surprised by the layoffs,” said Ben Puddle, the fast food chain’s McCEO. “The economy is in terrible shape.”

While many call the cuts unfair, the Golden Arches is receiving high praise from a surprising source — the White House.

“I’d like to express my gratitude to McDonald’s for stimulating the economy for almost a week,” said an exuberant President Barack Obama. “I hope Americans remember the boost in jobs I temporarily created when they enter the voting booth next November.”

While strolling through New York’s Times Square last weekend, Kristen Stewart popped into the Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum with friends. Witnesses tell OMGG the Twilight actress was stopped dead in her tracks when she happened upon a wax statue of her boyfriend, Robert Pattinson.

“She ran over and started yelling at it,” said Bailey Thompson, who went with her son to the museum that afternoon. “She wanted to know why it hadn’t told her it was in New York.”

It’s not the first time the British sex symbol has been mistaken for an inanimate object.

Water for Elephants co-star Reese Witherspoon likened acting with Pattinson to “working alongside a tree.”

The R-Pattz statue, with its cocky smirk and unkempt hair, has already been nominated for seven 2012 MTV Movie Awards.

Lady Gaga recently announced at a press conference that she‘d never go under the knife because plastic surgery “promotes insecurity.”

“That’s too bad,” said super-fan Brent Conrad. “I mean, no offense, but she’s one of those celebrities who could really benefit from having work done.”

Gaga, long considered a “butterface” by her minuscule group of straight male followers, is adamant that she’s fine just the way she is.

The pop star said her message to young women couldn’t be any clearer: “If you want to attract men, there’s no need to alter your body,” she proclaimed. “Just dress like a whore and you’ll do fine.”

Lakers forward Ron Artest, who was arrested for domestic violence in 2007, recently changed his name to ‘Metta World Peace’… and Jerry Buss isn’t happy about it.

“Ever since we locked out the players last month, they’ve been doing whatever they can to improve their image and gain fan support,” said the Lakers’ team owner. “I read that Lamar Odom went rollerblading with the homeless last week, and Derek Fisher just adopted a cat.”

So far, team owners are getting little flak from fans for trying to shave player salaries as part of the new collective bargaining agreement. An ESPN poll shows the public isn’t sympathizing with millionaire athletes in this down economy.

NBA Commissioner David Stern encourages fans to stay strong and not fall for blatant manipulation by their favorite players. “Artest is just one of several guys who’ve tried the whole ‘name change’ scam this offseason.”

“We have no ulterior motive,” insisted Flowers McSunshine, the player formerly known as NBA bad-boy Zach Randolph. “But I do encourage everyone to support our right to higher salaries so I can continue to fight terrorism.”

Crystal Harris recently told Howard Stern that her ex-fiancée Hugh Hefner only lasts two seconds in bed.

“She just said that because she doesn’t want me to move on,“ insists the senile 84-year-old.  “When we were together, she’d always do the cutest things, like call me ‘sugar tush’ and repeatedly ask for the combination to my floor safe.”

Hef allegedly wants Crystal back, but his friends are begging him to cut ties with the 25-year old former-Playmate.

Harris, whose Centerfold Bio listed Anna Nicole Smith and the Menendez Brothers amongst her heroes, says maybe she will give the Playboy founder another shot.

“After all, marriage is really only ‘til death do you part, right?” asked a winking Harris.