Newt Gingrich is in dire straits.
The presidential candidate (haha, yeah right!), who recently bounced a $500 check for the filing fee to get on the Utah primary ballot, has now been caught shoplifting a box of Pepperidge Farm Mint Milano cookies.
Gingrich told OMGG.com he wasn’t stealing for the thrill, he did so out of necessity.
“I’m broke because no one wants to fundraise for me anymore,” explained the bloated Republican. “Ironically, I’m only running for president so I can get all the free cookies I want!”
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Rick Santorum has decided to suspend his presidential run so that he can focus on his hobbies, including rock climbing, scrapbooking and performing late-term abortions.
The 53-year old career politician told OMGG.com he’s tired of the stresses of public service and just wants to enjoy life.
Right-wing supporters were reportedly outraged to learn that the former Senator changed his stance and now feels a woman should have the right to choose what she does with her own body.
“You should see the lunatics protesting outside my clinic today,” said Santorum. “Imagine how upset they’re going to be when they find out I’ve converted to Judaism!”
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Former beauty pageant contestant Jenna Talackova seemed to have it all. Long legs, flowing blonde hair, a thin torso, luscious lips and a protruding adam’s apple. Wait…what?
The Miss Universe Canada finalist was recently disqualified from the competition after it was discovered she was born male.
While admitting to sexual reassignment surgery, the 23-year old claims he/she should be allowed to compete for this year’s crown because the rules are unclear.
“How is anyone supposed to know whether or not they’re eligible to be Miss Universe?” asked Talackova. “I’ve read the guidelines twice, and nowhere does it say that contestants must be penis-less.”
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Donald Trump’s sons are on an out-of-control killing spree after attending the Los Angeles premiere of Hunger Games on Monday.
The film, set in a future where America’s youth are forced to fight to the death on live television, apparently struck a chord with Donald Jr. and Eric.
The young men, already in trouble with PETA for killing African animals and posting the photos online, are currently wanted by the FBI.
This morning, Trump, Sr. told OMGG.com he hopes his children turn themselves in.
“It’s a terrible tragedy, my sons are currently developing ‘Trump Towers Atlanta’, the most luxurious condominiums ever built in the southeastern United States,” said the distraught real estate mogul. “Please pray for them, and be sure to watch Celebrity Apprentice at 9pm, Sundays on NBC.”
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John Carter took in just over $30 million at the box office last weekend, pretty awful when you consider it cost nearly a quarter of a billion dollars to make.
The interplanetary adventure was handily beaten by the much-cheaper Lorax, spelling bad news for an already-in-the-works sequel.
Today, Disney announced plans to recoup the nearly $150 million they’re expected to lose by making John Carter 2 on an $800 budget.
“The movie will feature absolutely no bells and whistles,” explained Randolph Garelick, co-chairman of Disney Media Networks. “In addition to cutting all CGI and special effects, the entire film will be shot on an iPhone.”
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April 12, 2012
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