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Paul Marcarelli, the actor who played the Verizon “Can you hear me now” nerd, announced via his blog that he’s been fired from his cushy commercial gig after nine years.

If you were in the minority and enjoyed the irritating ads, don’t fret. The bespectacled geek told fans a bidding war is underway between competing networks for his services.

“I’m currently considering offers from Sprint, Virgin Mobile and Cricket,” said the stunned pitchman.

According to rumors, AT&T Senior Executive Randall Stephenson tried to get in touch with Marcarelli as well, but his iPhone kept dropping out and he eventually gave up.

The Paul Reiser Show debuted Thursday night with a 1.1 rating amongst adults 18-49, making it the lowest-rated comedy sitcom ever broadcast on a major network.

“I wish I could say I’m surprised,” said Reiser, the show’s star. “Personally, I wanted to TiVo it, but my wife was already recording Vampire Diaries.”

NBC executives strategically placed the show in the coveted 8:30pm slot, hoping viewers would accidentally tune into The Office early and boost ratings.

Diane Womack from Clark Fork, Idaho actually watched the show intentionally and gave it rave reviews. “It’s like a better version of Mad About You…you get all the puns and Jew humor without that twat Helen Hunt getting in the way.”

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Jillian Turkle, a 63-year old squaw from rural Kansas helped knock out a former Welterweight champion last night.

Sugar Ray Leonard was TKO’d from Dancing with the Stars, the third member of the cast voted off the show. Even though Kendra Wilkinson received lower scores from the panel of judges, Leonard was ultimately doomed by a lack of fan support.

“Apparently the millions of middle-aged hags who keep this ridiculous show on the air aren’t boxing fans,” remarked a bitter Leonard, after he was booted.

59-year old Roseanne Feingold says that while she was impressed with Sugar Ray’s dancing ability, all of her phone-in votes this season have been for Kirstie Alley.  “I just know one of these days that fatty is going to snap her poor dance partner’s back, and that’s something I’ve got to see.”

MONDAY: Jennifer Lopez named ‘Most Beautiful Woman Alive’ by People Magazine. Marilyn Monroe named ‘Most Beautiful Woman Dead.’

TUESDAY: A close-up photo of Fergie’s face in US Weekly leaves experts wondering if the Black Eyed Peas singer is made entirely of wax.

WEDNESDAY: Catherine Zeta-Jones checks herself into a mental health facility after realizing her career peaked in 2002.

THURSDAY: World’s oldest man dies at 114; overdose suspected.

FRIDAY: Those who paid upwards of $350 for passes to the 2011 Coachella music festival say they were let down when they learned the “surprise headliner” was 90’s rapper Coolio.

On Friday, the world applauded Southwest pilot Ian Gregor, who made a heroic emergency landing after a fuselage rupture, saving the lives of all 118 aboard the Boeing 737.  But one man wasn’t impressed.

“Whoopty F#ckin’ Doo,” said Chesley ‘Sully’ Sullenberger, who rose to fame in 2009 when he successfully ditched a US Airways flight in the Hudson River. “If that guy’s a hero, I’m a messiah.”

Southwest spokesperson Michelle Kole said that while she respects Mr. Sullenberger, to say Ian Gregor isn’t a hero is “just plain wrong.”

When OMdoubleG contacted Sully for his reaction to Kole’s comments, the former pilot backtracked a little. “Look, I think he did a great thing landing that plane safely.  All I’m saying is let’s not go overboard and throw a parade for the dude.  My 11-year-old niece can land a plane on solid ground…call me when he touches down in the ocean.”