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By Louie Binkleman, OMGG.com Senior Editorial Staff

Is it just me, or have the leading ladies from the American Pie franchise gone from “hot gang” to “wouldn’t bang”?

The new theatrical trailer for American Reunion was released yesterday, and the whole crew is back. Unfortunately, the formerly-hot high school hornballs are well into their 60s, and bad plastic surgery, years of hard partying and gravity have taken their toll on the ladies.

Here’s a breakdown of what I saw in the trailer:

Alyson Hannigan: So pale she’d get sunburnt in front of the TV.

Tara Reid: Her boob job is so bad, even her bra has stretch marks.

Mena Suvari: Tyra Banks called…she wants her forehead back.

Shannon Elizabeth: Still amazingly hot.

For those curious to see the grey-haired gang back together again, American Pie: Reunion is due in theaters on April 6, 2012, which just so happens to be Suvari’s 67th birthday.

After weeks of getting to know each other through tabloids and reality TV, Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian shocked the world by hastily dissolving a marriage that several family members and friends expected to last upwards of three months.

But it wasn’t meant to be, and now that this holiest of Hollywood unions is kaput, lawyers have been brought in to make sense of the stars’ prenuptial agreement.

“Kim is very business-minded, and she strategically tailored her prenup to make sure she wouldn’t be affected financially by a split,” Kim’s divorce attorney told OMGG.com. “She gets to keep the house, jewelry, cars and all profits from her clothing line.”

As for Kris?

“If the NBA lockout ends, he’ll get to keep his salary,” said his attorney. “As a token of their appreciation, the Kardashians have also offered him Khloe.”

Dancing with the Stars has transformed the bodies of several celebrities throughout the years, but not since Kirstie Alley have we seen weight loss this drastic.

“I’ve dropped close to 100 pounds,” revealed Ricki Lake. “I’ve never felt so confident or lightheaded!”

The newly svelte tv host credits her rigorous dance routines and celery-only diet for her hot new bod.

“She’s so much lighter on her feet these days,” DWTS partner Derek Hough told OMGG.com. “I’m even thinking about adding a lift to our foxtrot routine.”

By Sebastian Updyke
OMGG.com Film/TV Critic
October 31, 2011

Hey DreamWorks, can you do me a favor? Next time you make a movie about an animated sword-fighting cat, do you mind not giving it the same name as my favorite strip club in Reno?

I couldn’t have been more excited to see Puss in Boots over the weekend. I went in knowing nothing about the film (having just returned from a swingers convention in Haiti) but I was eager to catch a glimpse of some ‘top-notch Hollywood crotch’. I entered what I believed to be an adult cinema à la Pee Wee Herman, sporting sunglasses and a trenchcoat full of cucumber-scented lotion.

Not one to get rattled, I admit feeling uncomfortable after small children began packing the auditorium-style seats. Unfortunately I couldn’t leave, as the theater was too dark to locate the pants I’d removed and placed on the seat in front of me.

At that point, the best course of action was to just sit back and try to enjoy the film…which I did. What the movie lacked in sex, it more than made up for in gratuitous violence. It centers around a homicidal cat named Puss, who goes on a killing spree after learning of his wife’s infidelities. He eventually dies a gruesome death, but *SPOILER ALERT* not before getting his revenge, brutally murdering the entire family of the woman who betrayed him.

The Bottom Line: Quentin Tarantino’s foray into the world of animation is a bloody masterpiece!

Rating: 5 out of 5 Stars

China announced plans to ban Keeping Up with the Kardashians after noticing a significant economic slowdown since the show’s Asia debut.

“The day after those skanks hit our airwaves, the Shanghai Stock Exchange tumbled,” pointed out Chang Xiaoling, a financial advisor based in Guangzhou.

The Beijing State Administration says Keeping Up with the Kardashians and other ‘overly entertaining shows‘ will be phased out by the beginning of next year, replaced with news and cultural programming.

“Overly entertaining?” asked a confused Kim K. “How does that relate to our show?”

China Bans the Kardashians