OMGG

By Sebastian Updyke
OMGG.com Film/TV Critic
October 20, 2011

Does the changing weather have you down? Well I have just “the thing” to lift your spirits! Run, don’t walk to see the rib-tickling sequel to the 1982 John Carpenter-directed comedic masterpiece The Thing!

For starters, I will say I’m a bit surprised that no studio execs caught the glaring typo in the 2011 film’s title. Um, hellllo…you forgot the ‘Part 2′!

Aside from the naming mishap (someone lost their over that one!), the film is flawless. It centers around goofball scientist Dr. Sander Halvorson, an outcast from the Bronx who moves to Antarctica in search of a wife. When he encounters a female alien named Xeonis (played brilliantly by Golden Globe-nominated actress Maggie Gyllenhaal), it’s love at first sight. But despite their obvious chemistry, Xeonis eventually realizes her relationship with Dr. Halvorson would never work after discovering his dark secret – *SPOILER ALERT* – he’s Jewish!

The Bottom Line: This laugh-a-minute film noir is an early Oscar favorite. Rated R for strong language, drug use and graphic alien nudity.

Rating: 2 out of 5 Stars

Joe Jonas, the adorable lead singer of the once-popular boy band Jonas Brothers, followed in his brother Nick’s footsteps by releasing a poorly-selling solo album last week.

Prior to 2011, the Jonai starred in two hit movies, sold over 8 million albums and were admired around the world by countless teenage girls and pedophiles.

But in January they replaced their longtime manager and agent with Stewart — the fourth, lesser-known Jonas sibling. His first order of business was to break up the platinum-selling trio.

“My gut told me Nick and Joe could make it as solo artists,” said Stewart, who has admittedly never studied music or attended college. “I’m pretty sure everyone knew Kevin would fail.”

This morning, 56 exotic animals — including lions, tigers, bears and giraffes — were released from captivity just outside Columbus, Ohio. Several of the animals were shot dead by police, but the remaining beasts had residents running scared for their lives…until now.

Sarah Palin, an expert aerial wolf hunter, has arrived on the scene to finish the job.

“I feel safe knowing Miss Palin is out there with a machine gun and crossbow protecting me,” said area simpleton Cletus Horner. “She’s like some sort of purty superhero.”

The former vice presidential nominee says she was happy to help, as this will provide interesting subject matter for her eighth book, which is currently being ghostwritten by her 10-year old daughter, Piper.

“I’m pretty sure al-Qaeda is behind this ruthless attack on America, so it’s up to me to stop them,” Palin told OMGG.com. “Meanwhile, President Obama is probably just sitting back in his comfy office giving illegal immigrants free healthcare.”

Sarah Saves the Day

Millions of BlackBerry users were unplugged from their mail and instant messaging services over the past few weeks with no word from the company about what caused the outtage.

But during a recent interview with Research in Motion CEO Pip Russell, OMGG.com made a startling discovery.

“We’ve seen a 1200% increase in celebrity sexting, and our servers can’t handle all the additional bandwidth,” Russell told our tech team. “Miley Cyrus alone has used over 18GB since mid-September.”

RIM is offering customers $100 worth of free apps to say sorry for the service shutdown, but can’t promise it won’t happen again.

“The sustained popularity of sexting has taken everyone at our company by surprise,” confessed RIM’s CEO. “We were certain that once Brett Favre stopped sending photos of his dick all over town it would finally take the burden off our servers.”

ABC News reported yesterday that a well-known actress is suing the Internet movie database (IMDb) and its parent company Amazon.com for revealing her real age to the public. The identity of the aging thespian hadn’t been revealed — until now.

It appears that Selena Gomez, the Disney star and singer, was actually born in 1963.

OMGG caught up with Gomez’s boyfriend Justin Bieber to see how he’s reacting to the news.

“I’m not surprised, she’s always seemed super-mature to me,” confessed the 17-year old pop star. “It’s kind of cool…I guess we’re the new Ashton and Demi!”