Ashton Kutcher Quits Twitter; Eight Million Followers Contemplate Suicide

After an abundance of harsh criticism came his way for tweeting his support of Joe Paterno, Ashton Kutcher said he will quit twitter until he can properly manage his feed.

“This is the worst day of my life,” said 16-year old Tanya Kyko. “Now how will I know when Two and a Half Men is on?”

Kutcher’s twitter feed currently has over 8.2 million followers, more than CNN or Oprah.

“I could kill Jerry (Sandusky) with my bare hands,” Joe Paterno said after hearing the news. “Molesting kids is one thing, but taking down aplusk is truly unforgivable.”