OMGG

By Sebastian Updyke
OMGG.com Film/TV Critic
November 28, 2011

I grew up watching the Muppets on tv in the late 70s, so I was excited to introduce my adopted son Honus to the cuddly creatures at a screening of the new motion picture over the weekend.

Sadly, the film didn’t remotely resemble the sweet and funny puppet-world created by Jim Henson over 50 years ago. It was nothing more than a perverse journey into the sick mind of its writer/star Jason Segel.

It started out innocently enough, with Muppet-protagonist Kermit the Frog up to his old tricks, singing about having a crush on the “new gal in town.” But when his former love interest Miss Piggy overhears the tune, she’s overcome with anger and begins a bitter plot to get back at her old amphibious admirer.

After a disturbing self-mutilation scene, Piggy *SPOILER ALERT* rabidly binges on pork chops, smoked ham and bacon, in what has to be one of the most unsettling cannibalistic moments in cinematic history. The performance was so vexing, in fact, that my son vomited mid-way through.

The Bottom Line: Aside from the vulgar Miss Piggy scenes and Fozzie Bear’s gruesome rape, the film was both uplifting and inspiring…and the soundtrack is out-of-this-world!

Rating: 5 out of 5 Stars

By Sebastian Updyke
OMGG.com Film/TV Critic
November 16, 2011

I just watched woke up from The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1. I don’t want to say the movie bored me, but I haven’t slept that well since my infamous four-day Ambien/pot brownie bender that preluded my return to rehab in 2008.

The film started off alright, with a controversial sex scene steamy enough to keep tween girls and former-Penn State Defensive Coordinator Jerry Sandusky clamoring for more.

But mere moments after Jake (played by 4’11″ heartthrob Taylor Lautner) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) share their final kiss, the movie falls apart. Bella (Kristen Stewart) moves to Camden, New Jersey, where she meets an elderly werewolf named Peter (John Lithgow) with whom she falls in love. In a dark twist, the rest of the cast *SPOILER ALERT* is wiped out after a tsunami hits the Pacific Northwest.

The Bottom Line: The movie’s pacing is slow, but if you’re looking for hot vampire-on-werewolf lovemaking, this is the second best film in theaters at the moment (Immortals has a shockingly similar plot).

Rating: 5 out of 5 Stars

By Sebastian Updyke
OMGG.com Film/TV Critic
October 31, 2011

Hey DreamWorks, can you do me a favor? Next time you make a movie about an animated sword-fighting cat, do you mind not giving it the same name as my favorite strip club in Reno?

I couldn’t have been more excited to see Puss in Boots over the weekend. I went in knowing nothing about the film (having just returned from a swingers convention in Haiti) but I was eager to catch a glimpse of some ‘top-notch Hollywood crotch’. I entered what I believed to be an adult cinema à la Pee Wee Herman, sporting sunglasses and a trenchcoat full of cucumber-scented lotion.

Not one to get rattled, I admit feeling uncomfortable after small children began packing the auditorium-style seats. Unfortunately I couldn’t leave, as the theater was too dark to locate the pants I’d removed and placed on the seat in front of me.

At that point, the best course of action was to just sit back and try to enjoy the film…which I did. What the movie lacked in sex, it more than made up for in gratuitous violence. It centers around a homicidal cat named Puss, who goes on a killing spree after learning of his wife’s infidelities. He eventually dies a gruesome death, but *SPOILER ALERT* not before getting his revenge, brutally murdering the entire family of the woman who betrayed him.

The Bottom Line: Quentin Tarantino’s foray into the world of animation is a bloody masterpiece!

Rating: 5 out of 5 Stars

By Sebastian Updyke
OMGG.com Film/TV Critic
October 20, 2011

Does the changing weather have you down? Well I have just “the thing” to lift your spirits! Run, don’t walk to see the rib-tickling sequel to the 1982 John Carpenter-directed comedic masterpiece The Thing!

For starters, I will say I’m a bit surprised that no studio execs caught the glaring typo in the 2011 film’s title. Um, hellllo…you forgot the ‘Part 2′!

Aside from the naming mishap (someone lost their over that one!), the film is flawless. It centers around goofball scientist Dr. Sander Halvorson, an outcast from the Bronx who moves to Antarctica in search of a wife. When he encounters a female alien named Xeonis (played brilliantly by Golden Globe-nominated actress Maggie Gyllenhaal), it’s love at first sight. But despite their obvious chemistry, Xeonis eventually realizes her relationship with Dr. Halvorson would never work after discovering his dark secret – *SPOILER ALERT* – he’s Jewish!

The Bottom Line: This laugh-a-minute film noir is an early Oscar favorite. Rated R for strong language, drug use and graphic alien nudity.

Rating: 2 out of 5 Stars

By Sebastian Updyke
OMGG.com Film/TV Critic
October 7, 2011

What happens when you cross a male porn star with a down-and-out boxer from Philly and a rugged version of the robot from Short Circuit?

“Yo, Adrian! Johnny Five is Alive…in my pants!!!”

An inspired story of love, dedication and horny robots, this film documents the journey of retired boxer Phil Secks (played by Hugh Jackman), as he attempts to meet 18-year old men at small-town Automation Conferences. After falling for a lifelike humanoid (voiced by Ryan Gosling), he embarks on a journey to find his lover’s architect (Lex Steele)…and ends up learning some valuable life lessons along the way.

Real Steel starts out slow, but *SPOILER ALERT* the last half hour is full of man-on-robot sex.

The Bottom Line: A greased-up Hugh Jackman, confused teenage “mandroids” and a porno legend make this film a winner for the whole family.

Rating: 6 out of 5 Stars