Does Richard Branson Plan to Leave Ashton Kutcher in Outer Space?

Sir Richard Branson has launched over 400 businesses, including a chain of record stores, a mobile phone company and an airline. He’s a humanitarian, philanthropist and one of TIME magazine’s “100 Most Influential People in the World.”

But the British billionaire’s greatest contribution to society is still in the pipeline.

Early next year, Branson will launch Ashton Kutcher into space aboard a Virgin Galactic shuttle.

“That floppy-haired douchebag has annoyed us all for the last time,” promised the Chairman of Virgin Group, rumored to be dating actress Demi Moore. “As a favor to the people of earth, I’ve instructed the captain to leave him on the moon.”