Punxsutawney Phil Admits He Was Drunk This Morning

This morning, Pennsylvania’s Punxsutawney Phil was removed from his lair at 7:20am and “predicted” six more weeks of winter.

After vomiting for upwards of two minutes, the oversized rodent scurried back into his tree stump for a nap.

At noon, Phil re-emerged holding a bottle of Advil and a scroll, which he gave to his tuxedo-clad handler, Benjamin Downs.

“Hear ye, hear ye. Phil has an announcement to make,” said Mr. Downs, who then read the note aloud to those still in attendance. “The next time someone wakes me up so early, I’m going to claw the sh#t out of their face.”