OMGG

NBA commissioner David Stern canceled the first two weeks of the 2011-12 regular season last night, and no one was more relieved than the Detroit Pistons and their fans.

“We’re keeping our fingers crossed that he axes the remaining games soon,” Pistons guard Rip Hamilton told OMGG.com. “Motown needs this.”

Once the capital of the U.S. auto industry, Detroit has been crippled by factory shutdowns, falling home prices, the exodus of tens of thousands of residents and an unemployment rate near 20%.

With the Tigers in the MLB playoffs and the Lions off to their hottest start since 1956, sports teams are finally giving Motor City residents a reason to smile.

“Please commissioner, do the right thing and cancel 2011-12,” season ticket holder Dennis Meyer wrote in his blog. “The people of Detroit are counting on you!”

Netflix announced plans today to irritate the few remaining subscribers of their once-popular DVD-by-mail service.

“Effective immediately, we will be reverting to VHS tapes,” said CEO Reed Hastings, who cited his “love of nostalgia” as the reason for the bizarre move.

The company’s stock dropped 11% within minutes of the announcement; Since mid-July, it has fallen over 60%.

The VHS debacle is just the latest in a series of perplexing moves made by the company recently. In July, Netflix raised monthly prices by 60% for some customers, without any improvement in the service. In September, the company announced it was spitting its movie-by-mail and streaming services into two entities, Qwikster and Netflix, meaning separate bills for each customer.

“Assuming they still make VCRs, my latest idea will turn this company around,” CEO Hastings told OMGG.com. “The only downside for subscribers is the $20/month surcharge to offset increased shipping costs.”

The year was 1999, and a young thespian by the name of James Van Der Beek was on top of the world. He had the title role in the popular tv series Dawson’s Creek, his teen football comedy Varsity Blues was the #1 movie in America and he was selected one of People magazine’s “50 Most Beautiful People in the World.”

So what happened to “The Beek”?

“My fall from grace was blindingly fast,” Van Der Beek told OMGG.com. “It began in 2003 when Dawson’s Creek ended and I became addicted to aspirin.”

From there, his career spiraled. In 2006, he starred in the direct-to-DVD thriller The Plague. The following year, he had a small part in the off-Broadway play Rain Dance. By 2009, he was completely out of showbusiness, working as a receptionist at a Ford dealership.

“My fans have deserted me, but I’m mounting a comeback,” said the former star. “I recently started teaching improv in Cottonwood Falls, Kansas and I haven’t touched a Tylenol in nearly five years.”

Former WWE Champion Brock Lesnar signed a contract yesterday to return to wrestling. The 6’4″, 275 pound behemoth had retired in 2004, but quickly realized he had no other skills.

The big man tried his hand at farming, bartending and even spent the summer of ’09 as a member of the Best Buy Geek Squad. “I ended up smashing more computers than I fixed.” Lesnar recalls.

Randy Couture, Brock’s close friend who retired from fighting in 2008 to teach high school calculus, says he feels for the big oaf.

“Last night we cracked open a bottle of merlot and he just started crying,” said the former UFC champ.  “It’s tough when you come to the realization that you have nothing to contribute to society.”

When one of Rick Perry’s biggest supporters called Mormonism a cult last week, many questioned the Texas Governor’s tolerance of other religions.

“Those remarks in no way reflect my personal beliefs,” Perry told OMGG.com this afternoon. “In fact, I decided to marry a second woman over the weekend to prove how accepting I am of them Mormonites.”

Mitt Romney, a practicing Mormon and Perry’s strongest opponent in the GOP race, was quick to respond.

“From here on out, we’re focusing our campaign on Scientologists,” said Walter Tringhese, Romney’s chief strategist. “The way I see it, intergalactic overlord Xenu presides over several planets, and we only need one to seal up the nomination.”